Dear WeAreTeachers,
A colleague told me that several of her 8th grade boys wouldnโt stop whispering and laughing. When she asked them what was up, they told her, โWe found Ms. Wagner on Tinder during lunch.โ I AM MS. WAGNER. One of them must have made an account using a fake birthday to appear in my age preferences. I know this is their mistake and not mine, but Iโm so embarrassed and keep cringing thinking of them seeing me on a platform I never intended them to find me on. What should I do? Will telling an AP just bring more attention I donโt want? โPut โMy Student Found My Tinder Profileโ On My Tombstone
Dear P.M.S.F.M.T.P.O.M.T.,
On behalf of the entire teaching profession, this emoji: ๐ณ We cringe and mourn with you.
First, I want to reiterate that youโve done nothing wrong. Despite a long history of people thinking teachers should be silent, asexual, single robots, most modern thinkersโincluding meโagree that teachers are human. Part of being human is having desires that extend beyond teaching, grading, and emailing parents. Thank you for coming to my revolutionary TED Talk.
Letโs move on to what to do practically.
- Let your AP know as soon as possible. Despite how mortified you feel, itโs always better if they hear news from you first rather than from someone else later on. Be sure to say that you had your age preferences set to people your age, and that the only way the students had access to your profile was via information they falsified.
- Ask for your APโs help in getting the students to delete and/or stop circulating your information, regardless of whether or not any of it is risquรฉ. If they continue to bring it up in your class or in othersโ, suggest that your AP talk to them and maybe their families about potential legal repercussions of sharing photos of others without their consent. (Iโm not suggesting taking legal action, but they should be aware of the severity of what happened.)
- It will feel like The Worst Thing for a while. Lean into that feelingโthe more you acknowledge it, the less power itโll have. Tell the story out loud to yourself when youโre alone and outside of school. Get your coworkers to take you to happy hour and laugh about it. Ask other teachers you know for their most embarrassing stories. The more you engage with the notion that this situation was mortifying, the easier itโll be to let it go.
Finally, take comfort that teenagers move quickly. Theyโll be on to another, more exciting, dramatic, salacious piece of news in a week or less.
Dear WeAreTeachers,
I just returned from maternity leave to a complete disaster in my 4th grade classroom. I expected some things to look different, but when I walked in, I honestly did a double-take. My sub rearranged all the desksโincluding mine, which is now on the opposite side of the room. She took down a lot of my decorations and materials, and though she left them in a neat pile, she didnโt bother taking down any of her posters or quotes she printed out and stapled to the walls. The drawers that I cleared out for her in my desk are full of trash, receipts, and other random odds and ends. I honestly wanted to cry looking at all the work I had to do. Do I just take the โLโ on this, or should I reach out? โBreathing Into a Paper Bag While Pumping
Dear B.I.A.P.B.W.P.,
Ugh. Iโm so sorry this happened. The first day back from maternity leave is hard enough. Returning to a room thatโs been trashed is downright insulting.
The student desks I understand, and it makes sense after two to three months for there to be some student work displays and decorations that werenโt there when you left. But to leave actual work for you beyond the instructional catch-up youโll have to doโtrash to throw away, drawers to clean, and all your old stuff to re-hangโis inexcusable.
If you have the subโs contact info, I would text or email and say, โHey! Excited to debrief with you about your time in room 207 : ) I see a lot of your stuff still here. Were you planning on coming back?โ Hopefully, sheโll say, โOMG, Iโm so sorry! I thought you were returning tomorrow! I had planned to stay late today and put everything back. Iโll be there ASAP.โ (Honestly, I think this is a possibility. My district had real weird wording on the whole โlast day of parental leaveโ vs. โreturn to work dayโ vs. โday contract resumes.โ)
If she doesnโt say that, doesnโt answer, or says, โOh, no, Iโm not coming back,โ ask a supportive administrator or principal to handle it. I have no doubt that the AP, counselor, principal, and administrative assistant at my former school would call that sub back into the classroom to make things right so fast, her head would spin. (Plus, an administrator has more sway with the people who oversee the sub department).
If you donโt have a supportive administrator and are averse to conflict, tell the scariest, most experienced teacher in your building about what you returned to (bonus points if theyโre a mom whoโs had to come back from maternity leave before). Theyโll make things right, maybe even faster than an administrator.
Normally I encourage teachers to pick their battles, but Iโm defensive of new mama teachers. The only trash wrappers in your desk drawers should be the Snickers ones you put there every day while pumping.
Dear WeAreTeachers,
Teachers at our school draw names at the beginning of the year to determine our duty spots. This year, Iโve been placed in a very low-traffic area of the school near a teacher who is constantly bringing up her religious beliefs, even though Iโve told her gently several times I donโt share them. Itโs like when thereโs a lull in conversation, she defaults to her church, pastor, or God. I donโt understand how she doesnโt see how awkward it is for me to not contribute. Sheโs a nice person and I donโt want to upset her, but I genuinely dread our duty (more than the average teacher, I think). Help! โHallway Duty, or Alter Call-Way Duty?
Dear H.D.O.A.C.W.D.,
I laughed out loud in solidarity at the โI donโt understand how she doesnโt see how awkward it is for me to not contributeโ part. I, too, seem to be a magnet for people who want to talk at me on airplanes, in libraries, and on public transit. If I had a nickel for every minute Iโve spent nodding my way through a one-sided conversation, I could buy a house with a pool in Malibu.
There are a few approaches here depending on which angle you want to take. However, I think itโs best to start with an honest talk about what you want from her. For people who love to talk about their passion, it might not be enough of a deterrent to say, โI donโt share that passion.โ You might need to set a boundary, like, โIโm so glad that your religion is so dear to you and that you feel comfortable sharing it with me. I want to be honest that the topic of religion is not something I feel comfortable hearing about at work. Letโs find something else to talk about.โ
If she continues, or if you notice that sheโs responded with any kind of retaliation, itโs time to talk to an AP about religious harassment at work. No matter how nice she is, itโs pretty anti-religion to force your beliefs on anyone.
Do you have a burning question? Email us at askweareteachers@weareteachers.com.
Dear WeAreTeachers,
Itโs my first year teaching high school biology and IPC. I have one student who is resistant to all my efforts to help him learn. Heโs not a behavior problem, but he just wonโt do anything. He hasnโt turned anything inโhomework, classwork, tests, nothingโall year. When I met with my AP about it, she told me to try external motivators. โThink of something he really wants. You know, like a gift card.โ I genuinely thought I had misheard her. A gift card? For doing the bare minimum? When I expressed my hesitation to her about this plan, she simply said, โWe have to do whatever it takes.โ I really, really donโt want to do this. Will I get in trouble if I donโt? โNot Daddy Warbucks